TIME STOPS THEY SAY..

It was in my head, all sorts of problems that didn’t exist. I made problems out of nothing ness. It was like I was blind to her love, blind to her sacrifice. I took what she had to offer and I shoved my trash in her face instead of thanks. 

I know that all I ever wanted was for her to be happy, but somehow in my head everything was wrong, everything needed improvement. BUT IT REALLY WAS BETTER THAN ANYTHING I HAD EVER EXPERIENCED.

When we first started seeing eachother it was almost like we courted before dating. I wrote her this poem. This beautiful poem. I showed her she was beautiful to me. She has always been beautiful. Her soul was composed of this overflowing golden stream of things she did to help others, to help me. She was my angel. She saved me and showed me love, how to love, I found solace and safety in her arms.

I loved her, I wanted nothing but for her to be happy and when things got rough and complicated I tried to help. But helping turned to hurting and at the end of the day everything was just all about me and how I felt. How could I do that to her?

Her dad is very sick, she is struggling and all I can think about is myself. I don’t deserve her. She should have a man who can tell her he loves her and ask about her day, and what she has done.

BUT I AM THAT MAN. I love her to death. What the fuck was I thinking treating her like some kind of magical bandaid for my own cuts and bruises? I was selfish, so she told me so, she needs her space.

I look back on all the memories she has given me, I have given her, we have bestowed upon eachother. Its clear we both care a great deal about each other and its clear sometimes we say things or do things we don’t mean to do….especially when we are caught up in the middle of things.

She told me to give her space, to give her TIME. I respect that and understand it is what she needs, I don’t know however if she knows that I FINALLY understand my mistake. You know I told her once that I didn’t want her to be with anyone else not because of the fact that she wouldn’t be with me….but solely because I didn’t want her to ever have to feel the pain of someone who lied to her to gain her trust. The world is full of liars and cheats who trick you into surrendering self and or possesions. Cruel people who would take from michelle instead of give. Somewhere along the line though I stopped giving. When I made everything about me all I did was take away from her.

I wanted to know how she had been but i phrased it as “why aren’t you talking I AM SAD”

I wanted to hang out with her and hear about her school and about her pottery and about her lizard but instead i said “you never have time for me”

THE LIST GOES ON AND ON.

Well I say. FUCK THAT SHIT CHRISTIAN….Who are you to do that to her. Let her go. you dont even deserve another glance from her let alone a phonecall.

but then i think about what I said to her. how her happiness means everything to me. I know she cares a bunch about me, what would giving up and failing her do? NOTHING.

So I will give her the break she needs. I told her to come to me when she was ready to talk at all, or esp. if she felt we could be together again. I know now how to handle myself, how i need to show her my priorities. She is my priority. And the truth is no matter how ou look at it I was happier when she was in my life because I knew I had someone, I love her and she loves me. It was a happy feeling and we gave it to eachother.

So I think I might let her see this post, maybe she will see it if she is on tumblr, maybe tomorrow I will put it in her facebook mailbox, maybe I will mail it. 

No matter what I have to let her know that I was selfish and selfcentered, that I lost sight of what was important and forgot how happy i was in the midst of greed for more happiness. I need to tell her how sorry I am and how ready I am to work on glueing.

She told me today that she couldn’t love me if she couldn’t love herself. I have to get back to her, tell her how i feel, how i screwed up, how i am ready to get involved and to be there for her.

I never thought of being without her I never planned for anything else, It seems so silly to me to think that i could move past this. no way no how.

If it is the last thing I do I must make her happy. I will die before her, I will lie by her side untill one or both of our breathes cease to be breeze between our lips. She is one beautiful soul and she is my soulmate. IDC how broken she is I will work to get her fixed, and I will fix MYSELF.

The world is not about me and every relationship is twosided. a relationship does not exist to please me or to please her, but it exists for our mutaul benefit and love.

I love you Michelle Anna Guerreiro. And ill give my blood sweat, tears, smiles, and vital organs to show to you that you matter to me, that this relationship we have is not only about what I need and what I think.